Tag: men

Reality.

Wow it’s been forever since I’ve written but I’m feeling inspired to share.

I have spent the past 6 months tied up in a back and forth with a guy who continuously put me on the back burner and used empty promises to keep me around.

He would bail on plans and ignore texts, only to resurface when he wanted a hookup that would end in empty “I’ll work on it”s.

I did a lot of bluffing. Saying I was done and was blocking him, only to allow him to slide back into my inbox weeks later with a “let me make it up to you”.

After six months I have come to two realizations: I only allowed this because I feared I was incapable of finding something else and also I am absolutely dispensable to him. And I am not the type of person that should allow herself to be dispensable to anyone.

He never took the time to get to know me, so how could he possibly know what an absolute gem he could’ve had? Instead of blaming myself( like normal), I’m blaming him and pitying him for letting this one slip through his fingers.

Finding someone who actually values and appreciates me will be worth the wait. In the meantime, I’ll be working on that self-love thing I’m always talking about.

Saturday night

Welp, it happened again. I fell for another egotistical, immature boy disguised as a man who “wanted to get to know me”.

This type of boy was so common in college that I forgot to look for any other type. However, I’m almost a year out of college and they keep showing up in my post-grad life. This Saturday night, I was stood up by a boy I had thought about for weeks. And looking back, all those thoughts were fantasy.

He held no substance. We didn’t share interests. He was just a copy and paste version of every other man on twitter. Nothing made him stand out other than the fact that, for two seconds, he pretended to be interested in getting to know me. That’s when that stupid cliche quote comes into play: “We accept the love we think we deserve”.

I hate to always bring everything back to self-love, but c’mon. Why else would I let a man who makes memes in his spare time and refuses to use punctuation ruin my Saturday night? Deep down, I know I deserve better but I was so quick to settle for the first man to show interest in me. If one of my friends told me about him, I’d tell her she was crazy and needed to immediately block him.

But that’s the whole point. We allow so many more things when it comes to ourselves than we would with a friend. I would never let my friends be talked to or treated the way that I, so often, allow myself to be treated. I talk to myself harsher than I would ever speak to my friends. I criticize myself more than I’d ever criticize my friends. And that’s what it all boils down to, I have to become my own friend so that I can treat myself like a friend. I should be the absolute love of my own life. I should be kind and gentle with myself, allow error and encourage growth. It’s all part of the journey and it’s all dependent on the other parts. In order to achieve self-love, I have to nurture the body I’m in and the soul I hold. I have to live a healthy life and find passions in life. Only after I have achieved self-love will I be able to experience outward love. How can I spread something that I lack?

This journey isn’t a quick, Tinder fix. It’s going to take some time and I won’t be able to comfortably and successfully be with anyone until I can comfortably and successfully be with myself.