It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.

I have recently felt very trapped in a mundane cycle. I am living in a place that does not feel like home— close enough to see the people I love but far enough to feel very alone. My job is exhausting, my second job is exhausting, and life is just draining me.

I do very little for joy. I see my friends, I work, and I “relax”- which involves laying on my couch, napping, and overeating. But I have abandoned all passions.

I have been in this slump since before the pandemic but the pandemic has really brought this issue to the surface for me. I’ve noticed it more than ever before. I have no plan or pathway for the future. I don’t even see a vision of myself in five years.

I attribute this lack of motivation and drive to my depression, which has worsened so badly in the past year and a half. I was in a relationship where I was so unhappy and turning into a version of myself I didn’t recognize because the fear of being alone during a pandemic was so excruciating that my dead-end relationship seemed like the better option. My friends stopped checking in as much. My depression was so bad I could barely move some days. On top of all of that, I was trying to teach first grade in a pandemic— and feeling inadequate every step of the way.

I finally feel like I’m climbing out of my slump. I’m starting to look at and envision plans for my immediate future— where to next, what to do next, who to involve. I feel a little better about myself and what I have to pour into the world, whereas for a while I felt I had nothing to offer.

Here’s to a fresh new year (starting in May oops) and finding the best version of myself one step at a time.