Breaking the cycle.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.

I have recently felt very trapped in a mundane cycle. I am living in a place that does not feel like home— close enough to see the people I love but far enough to feel very alone. My job is exhausting, my second job is exhausting, and life is just draining me.

I do very little for joy. I see my friends, I work, and I “relax”- which involves laying on my couch, napping, and overeating. But I have abandoned all passions.

I have been in this slump since before the pandemic but the pandemic has really brought this issue to the surface for me. I’ve noticed it more than ever before. I have no plan or pathway for the future. I don’t even see a vision of myself in five years.

I attribute this lack of motivation and drive to my depression, which has worsened so badly in the past year and a half. I was in a relationship where I was so unhappy and turning into a version of myself I didn’t recognize because the fear of being alone during a pandemic was so excruciating that my dead-end relationship seemed like the better option. My friends stopped checking in as much. My depression was so bad I could barely move some days. On top of all of that, I was trying to teach first grade in a pandemic— and feeling inadequate every step of the way.

I finally feel like I’m climbing out of my slump. I’m starting to look at and envision plans for my immediate future— where to next, what to do next, who to involve. I feel a little better about myself and what I have to pour into the world, whereas for a while I felt I had nothing to offer.

Here’s to a fresh new year (starting in May oops) and finding the best version of myself one step at a time.

Awake

Well everyone, summer is over and Monday morning (at 5:30am) I will be waking up to go back to school.

This has been such an incredible summer, but I miss routine. I have allowed myself to fall out of all routines that I followed throughout the school year. In some aspects this has been good, but my body and apartment are ready to get back to regular meals and cleanings.

I had three months to lose weight, read novels, find and love myself, and get tan by the pool. You want to know which of those things I accomplished? Not a single one.

I slept in till 10 or 11 most days, watched A LOT of Netflix, and ate out so many times my bank should be sending me to the doctor. But I didn’t stress, I didn’t have to work, and I got to truly take a much needed (bit too long) break.

After this summer of unwinding, I can officially say that I am ready for school and excited to start another great year!

Hot Cup of Coffee

Good morning readers,

After a week from absolute HELL, I was able to lay in my bed and relax until 10 this morning and oh my god it felt so good. I woke up, made breakfast, and now I’m going to clean my apartment. I love weekends like this where my biggest responsibilities are to my self.

Life is so crazy busy and we need to take time for ourselves before we get lost in the hustle. If you have weekends off, take the whole weekend for you every once in a while. They only come every five days. If you’re like me, those five days can feel like a marathon.

I’m not sure if I’ve said this before, but I teach. Kindergarten. So, my days are long and exhausting, then I usually go out and see friends on the weekend. Granted, this is just as important for my mental health. However, I occasionally need the whole weekend, or at least 2/3 of it to recover. That means just me, my couch, and a book or Netflix.

This past summer I worked full time as a server in a local restaurant. I had one, maybe two days off a week. And every single time, I would plan things for my day off. After about a month of doing this, I felt absolutely crazy. I needed a break and I refused to let myself have it because I felt like there was so many more important things I had to do. That’s where this bottom line comes in: you are the most important thing in your life.

You have to be selfish with your time, especially when you have so little. You have to put your needs above anyone else because, at the end of the day, they’re going to do the same. If you don’t take care of yourself, a little at a time, you’re going to have to do so much work for your health in the end.

I’m slowly learning to be selfish with my time and listen to my needs. If I don’t, who will?