People that need help don’t ask for it

I’ll never explicitly say I need help. But I’ve been begging for help for as long as I can remember. It’s the bailing on plans, the “honest” excuses, the social media stories, the lack of communication, and the distancing of myself from my once closest friends.

The thing you don’t count on while making these silent cries for help is that the people you’re calling to don’t care enough to hear you. They don’t consider that you’re actually not okay. They make excuses and place blame and welcome the distance. And you’re left. Now alone. Dealing with the same unwavering battles.

Blink.

I am on yet another downward spiral and at the core of it all is time.

I feel like time is slipping through my fingers like quicksand and every time I try to stop and hold it in my palm, I am shaken by just how much I have lost. I am 26 years old. It seems like a week ago I was dancing on tables and falling down driveways in college. I blinked and all my friends are married homeowners and I’m still… alone.

My biggest fear growing up has come painfully true. I am alone. I have no husband. Or boyfriend. No prospect of a family. It’s just me, alone in my apartment with my two cats.

Growing up I felt like I’d use my early 20s for fun. 24 I’d meet the love of my life. 26 I’d be married. And by 28 I’d begin to start my family.

Funny how plans work. Nothing in my life has gone according to plan. I keep reminding myself I have all the time in the world, but I see how quickly time can go. And my biggest fear now is that I’ll blink. And 26 will become 56. Or 86. And I still won’t be where I want to be. And I still won’t have found happiness.

Nightmare in America

With the overturning of Roe v. Wade I can’t help but think of all of the women quietly affected by this.

It’s just incredibly sad to me to think of all the scared women out there who now have yet another obstacle to overcome. When I got my abortion, the process was easy and reassuring. I felt safe and secure in my decision and it was handled as a priority- taken care of in less than two weeks. Had I been forced to carry my baby to term, both the baby and I would have faced financial hardship and unnecessary stress that could’ve resulted in physical and mental defects. I would’ve been forced into a lifestyle I was nowhere near ready for and that baby would have been sentenced to life with an unprepared mother. I did the best thing for me by having the abortion and I mourn for the women who have lost that ease of access to something that is necessary.

Breaking the cycle.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.

I have recently felt very trapped in a mundane cycle. I am living in a place that does not feel like home— close enough to see the people I love but far enough to feel very alone. My job is exhausting, my second job is exhausting, and life is just draining me.

I do very little for joy. I see my friends, I work, and I “relax”- which involves laying on my couch, napping, and overeating. But I have abandoned all passions.

I have been in this slump since before the pandemic but the pandemic has really brought this issue to the surface for me. I’ve noticed it more than ever before. I have no plan or pathway for the future. I don’t even see a vision of myself in five years.

I attribute this lack of motivation and drive to my depression, which has worsened so badly in the past year and a half. I was in a relationship where I was so unhappy and turning into a version of myself I didn’t recognize because the fear of being alone during a pandemic was so excruciating that my dead-end relationship seemed like the better option. My friends stopped checking in as much. My depression was so bad I could barely move some days. On top of all of that, I was trying to teach first grade in a pandemic— and feeling inadequate every step of the way.

I finally feel like I’m climbing out of my slump. I’m starting to look at and envision plans for my immediate future— where to next, what to do next, who to involve. I feel a little better about myself and what I have to pour into the world, whereas for a while I felt I had nothing to offer.

Here’s to a fresh new year (starting in May oops) and finding the best version of myself one step at a time.

Awake

Well everyone, summer is over and Monday morning (at 5:30am) I will be waking up to go back to school.

This has been such an incredible summer, but I miss routine. I have allowed myself to fall out of all routines that I followed throughout the school year. In some aspects this has been good, but my body and apartment are ready to get back to regular meals and cleanings.

I had three months to lose weight, read novels, find and love myself, and get tan by the pool. You want to know which of those things I accomplished? Not a single one.

I slept in till 10 or 11 most days, watched A LOT of Netflix, and ate out so many times my bank should be sending me to the doctor. But I didn’t stress, I didn’t have to work, and I got to truly take a much needed (bit too long) break.

After this summer of unwinding, I can officially say that I am ready for school and excited to start another great year!

Reality.

Wow it’s been forever since I’ve written but I’m feeling inspired to share.

I have spent the past 6 months tied up in a back and forth with a guy who continuously put me on the back burner and used empty promises to keep me around.

He would bail on plans and ignore texts, only to resurface when he wanted a hookup that would end in empty “I’ll work on it”s.

I did a lot of bluffing. Saying I was done and was blocking him, only to allow him to slide back into my inbox weeks later with a “let me make it up to you”.

After six months I have come to two realizations: I only allowed this because I feared I was incapable of finding something else and also I am absolutely dispensable to him. And I am not the type of person that should allow herself to be dispensable to anyone.

He never took the time to get to know me, so how could he possibly know what an absolute gem he could’ve had? Instead of blaming myself( like normal), I’m blaming him and pitying him for letting this one slip through his fingers.

Finding someone who actually values and appreciates me will be worth the wait. In the meantime, I’ll be working on that self-love thing I’m always talking about.